Alan S. Oser

Spoiled! They’re all spoiled!

This generalized indictment of teen-age grandchildren follows easily upon the frustration of selecting suitable birthday gifts for them. By “suitable” I mean gifts that please me as their grandfather. Naturally I am hopeful that the choice will please them as well, and it is a struggle to satisfy both goals with one gift. Feigned appreciation is the grandfather’s likely reward for this struggle, following a spat with the grandmother, who will have disapproved of the selection.

The gift that grandchildren who have reached adolescence seem to want above all is money. With money they can choose what to buy, or what to save for. But who are they to be given that choice? No, they must have a gift that subtly steers them in the direction of their grandfather’s tastes and values.

The key word is “subtly.” If I were to give my well-mannered 15-year-old grandson a copy of Middlemarch he might not react grumpily, but he certainly would be perplexed. He would not read the book, nor would I expect him to at that age. He would learn prematurely and unnecessarily that his grandfather is a fan of George Eliot, but even I recognize that this is not important information.

The spouse would veto the idea anyway. She knows that such a gift would stamp me yet again as eccentric in my grandson’s eyes. Since my reputation for eccentricity was established firmly a year ago when I gave the boy a beautiful new edition of The Origin of Species as a bar mitzvah present, I cannot worry about its confirmation.

Gifts need to be taken seriously, especially those given to the spouse. She appreciates thoughtfulness. I try to pay attention to her true desires and ignore my personal preferences. I try not to be guilty of eccentricity, or foolishness, where my wife is concerned.

This is good policy for any gift to an adult. The foolish gift will be remembered and reflect poorly upon the giver permanently, even in the face of later more successful gifts. On the other hand, a lasting impression can also be made by a successful gift. I cannot look at a small bronze giraffe standing on a display shelf in my living room without thinking affectionately of the college roommate who gave it to me nearly sixty years ago. And when my wife and I were newlyweds, another roommate gave us a set of carving knives that we still use. I never fail to think of him when I reach for a knife.

That roommate was not the sort to make himself look cheap, thoughtless or foolish in the eyes of the recipient of his gift, as I do by indulging a weakness for inexpensive items that are chosen with humorous intent. Strolling on Jamaica Avenue in Queens one day years ago I came upon a costume store. The display window was filled with dummies dressed up as clowns, skeletons, astronauts, firemen, farmers and leprechauns. I went in and bought two face masks for $2 each. These I gave to two young relatives, 4- and 6-year-old girls, as gifts. Who knew that I would be forever typed as a cheapskate by their mother?

Of course, I am a cheapskate. This affects my attitude toward gifts received as well as gifts given. When my sister and brother-in-law paid tribute to my efforts as an amateur violinist and sent me a check for $1,000 on my fiftieth birthday, urging me to put it towards a new violin bow, I returned it with as gracious a note as possible. I thought the gift was exorbitant.

It is only with effort that I recall the pleasure of receiving gifts. Excitement over the receipt of gifts is the province of children. Appreciation is the province of adults. Ambivalence is the province of the elderly.

Presumably I was excited at the age of 16 when my father returned from Switzerland with the gift of an Omega watch. I have worn it for 62 years. In 1954 my sister gave my wife an Italian cookbook, the Talisman Cook Book, which we have used ever since.

Most other gifts for birthdays or other recurring anniversaries are quickly forgotten. “It is the thought that counts,” some will say. But what is the thought? Mine is, “My God, what should I get him?” Alternatively, it is, “My God, what should I get her?” The reason for this is that gift buying is usually undertaken with a short deadline when it is timed to an annual event.

Suppose, instead, we were to buy gifts on impulse whether or not an appropriate occasion for giving exists at the time. Instead of hiding the package in the back of the closet until birthday time, suppose we were to give the gift right away, with a nicely written card: “I thought of you when I saw this, and couldn’t help buying it for you.” Wouldn’t that make a hit? Sure it would.

But don't forget the wife's birthday. Decide early on what to give. Then it will be the thought that counts.