Alan S. Oser

It is a truism that there is truth in truisms. So it is with “'Tis better to give than to receive.” As the giver, one of my favorite choices is advice. The added advantage of this gift is that it is free of cost. No doubt about it, this enhances its appeal.

Ah, what a well-filled storeroom I have of the commodity I call advice, which I define as wisdom easily adaptable to the circumstances of the beneficiary. Family, friends, strangers – all are welcome to all they want free of charge. I keep telling them that, but the storeroom is nevertheless overstocked. It is bursting at the seams, in fact.

That’s because demand for my advice is weak. This does not surprise me, because I have little appetite for advice from the many family members, friends and strangers who have offered me the goods from their own storerooms, which often are as well-supplied as my own.

I like my stuff better than theirs, frankly. I do not force it upon the unwilling. I offer it in a modest way, and although I act as though I am willing to be believe that my advice may not be so sound, it would be hard to convince me that this is so in any given situation. I try to understand the attitudes and values of a generation twice removed from mine – that is, men and women under the age of 30 – before I offer opinions based on my own values and experience. There is some hypocrisy in this, since I do not disclose my conviction that the values of my generation – at least those that I espouse and try to practice – are superior to those of younger generations.

Nothing illustrates this better than my attitude toward marriage, and the advice I loose upon the young whenever I manage to steer the conversation toward the subject. To me, marriage and the raising of children are all-important. I believe that choosing a mate and marrying her – not just “going” with her -- deserves a higher priority than achieving status in a career. The problem is that nowadays one party or the other – often both – finds reasons not to take the plunge, so that child-raising gets postponed too long.

The most fortunate circumstance in my opinion is for two people to marry young and start a family when they are still healthy and energetic. Although career is important, the family interest comes first. If both husband and wife have a career, each may have to bend for the sake of properly raising the children, who should get all the attention they need from both parents (but not be smothered in it).

When this is done successfully, the chances of satisfaction in old age are greatly enhanced. One’s career may be a disappointment, but that sorrow is mitigated when the septuagenarian is close to his children and is blessed with grandchildren. Nowadays too many septuagenarians are biting their fingernails wondering if they will ever have grandchildren. That’s because women marry too late. Adoption is the fallback position, and I’m all for that. Usually adoption means one child only. I think kids should have brothers and sisters if possible.

Decades of emphasis on the importance of career has obscured the importance of what to me seem simple truths. The chances are good that sadness awaits the occupationally successful who enter their later years childless and grandchildless.

After hearing this lecture, the intelligent 25-year-old will say, “What else have you got to tell me, Pop?” (To be honest, only one 25-year-old has ever asked me this, and he was interrupting me before I’d finished.)

“Well,” I said, “there’s the question of your pants.”

This was an allusion to a piece of advice I once received in the workplace when my own pants, figuratively speaking, had fallen. I was moaning over harsh criticism that had been directed at me by my superior. My superior’s superior was in many ways my mentor, and when he heard of this incident he advised me to “pull up your pants,” i.e., take it like a man.

After that I did. Alas there were many occasions when it was necessary. A corollary of this principle is that one should be willing in the workplace to take orders and execute them efficiently without visible complaint. One should also be willing to take up new and unfamiliar tasks in good spirit. Whatever teaches new skills is probably a good thing to do.

“Enough, enough!” the young man cried on hearing these remarks. “What about money?”

I told him about my experience as a newlywed, when through pride I refused to accept money that my parents would have given me to help my young family through several years of low-paying jobs. I subjected my wife to unnecessary hardship. This was a mistake. I was determined to prove myself on my own, but she was paying the price.

So take the money if it’s there, young man. Also, live modestly, and try to save a fixed percentage of your pay all your life. Invest – mainly in stocks. Expect the bad and the good to happen, alternately. Don’t get heavily in debt. Avoid business deals with family members.

By this time I was on an advice roll with my young friend. It was tempting to move on to many other items in my storeroom. I chose only one.

“Don’t give away your cello,” I told him. I knew that as a child he had studied the cello for six years, but the instrument had languished untouched in a closet since then. Any skills developed in childhood may well be useful in later years. It is easier to get back to playing an instrument than it is to take it up anew. So keep that sax – or fencing sword, or chess set, or ventriloquist’s dummy.

Having dispensed all this wisdom, I was not so sure that it is better to give advice than receive it. I thought the young man would profit immensely from what I had said. His response was unfortunately not encouraging.

“Pop,” he said, “It was a cheap cello and it was in horrible condition. I looked into the cost of repair. It was so high that I tossed it. I keep dating, but I haven’t found anyone I want to marry, or who wants to marry me. I can’t save money because I’m barely making enough to live on. No one in my family has offered me money, as a gift or a loan. And I’m not complaining to my boss. He has already given me notice.”

Not only is it better to give advice than to receive it – it is also easier to give it than to put it to use.