Alan S. Oser

At the age of four I established my place in family history as the originator of the phrase “Marv’n done it.”

Marvin was a friend, the seven-year-old son of our neighbors the Rosens. I blurted out my historic accusation one July afternoon when my mother discovered a large bite in a tomato on the vine and turned her vexation upon me. “Marv’n done it!” I exclaimed, and my fame was assured.

Whenever I transgressed ten or even twenty years later, my mother (or my father, sister and eventually my wife) would say, after a terse denunciation, “And I suppose that Marv’n done it.”

Let me say unequivocally that back then Marvin did do it, although now that I am an adult I have an expanded repertoire of exculpatory explanations for regrettable behavior. All are calculated to place blame on someone or something other than myself. Actually I am very good at this. I am also good at instant improvisation when nothing in the repertoire suits the occasion.

This ability comes from long experience as a mediocre violinist in amateur string quartets. No one can shift blame more imaginatively than the experienced first violinist who thinks he is playing badly, although he is probably playing no worse than he usually does. I am usually the second violinist, but in the imaginative deflection of blame I have no superiors.

“I have a new chin rest so don’t expect too much of me tonight,” I announced one night last fall before mauling a Haydn quartet. No one had ever heard that one before, I’m sure. Since not very much is expected of me anyway, it was probably a gratuitous preemptive strike, but the blame shifter must be quick on the trigger, and often it is a good idea to provide an excuse even before one is blamed.

“My strings are a little worn out so I won’t sound too good tonight, I’m afraid,” is a solid ploy if not overused. I also favor “I have a slight paper cut under the nail on my third finger,” and “My sound post needs adjustment.” There is always the option of a headache, a backache, or just a plain all-over ache, all of them acceptable complaints at my advanced age. In the event that I am asked to play first violin, I will not fail to say, once I modestly accept, “Don’t expect too much because I usually play second violin.”

It is possible to overdo blame shifting. Normally, in fact, the best way to escape blame, or at least to prompt early forgiveness, is to accept blame quickly, perhaps even before accusation. “It’s all my fault,” said quickly and with seeming sincerity, may be enough to inspire an “Oh no, not at all” from the offended party. This is not true in the case of fender-benders or other automotive accidents. Acceptance of blame in those instances can lead to costly consequences.

Acceptance of blame works best in the case of minor disputes. “I’m sorry I spilled that coffee on your shirt yesterday,” spoken to a colleague who blindly walked into you while he was holding a full cup, may have a positive effect on your relationship. In the immediate aftermath of the incident, “Oops, I’m sorry,” is essential, whether the fault was his or yours. Do not say “Watch where you’re going.” This will lead a flare-up and possibly the deposit of the remainder of the coffee on your shirt.

Excuses are typically ineffective in many situations, among them traffic infractions and overlooked birthdays and wedding anniversaries. A worthy excuse for lateness may work, at least for the first offense. “I forgot” will not do. An apology with no explanation is much better. “It won’t happen again” is sometimes helpful, and may even work with an unavoidable “I forgot,” but not if there is unlikely ever to be an again.

Unfortunately for them, politicians, corporate executives, employers in general, bureaucrats, prosecutors, landlords, convicts and bankers can never accept blame. For them, acceptance of blame will confirm the suspicions of the offended party and lead to further unfavorable consequences. Confession of guilt will be used effectively against the confessor. There is no alternative: hypocrisy must be called to the rescue. Some version of “Marv’n done it” is needed in self-defense.

At the opposite pole from me in personality we find Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, the Supreme Allied Commander in World War II, who had to make the final decision to land forces on the Normandy shore on the morning of June 6, 1944, in the face of possibly calamitous weather conditions. According to later accounts, only the rapid rate of his chain-smoking betrayed the tension he felt after others had given their views. In a hushed war room filled with top brass, he waited a long time and finally said in a low voice, “I am quite positive we must give the order. I don’t like it but there it is.”

Later, before he knew the results of the landing, he prepared a document that he intended to issue only if the landing turned out to be a failure and the troops had to be withdrawn. “The troops, the air, and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do,” it said. “If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.” He did not have to issue it.

That noble line – “If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone” – is possible only for those exercising final responsibility. For them, no Marv’ns are available. Sometimes no Marv’ns are available even for lesser decisions. Obviously the best way to avoid blame is to avoid the need to deflect it in the first place, which means that one must exercise Good Judgment. If Good Judgment is followed but failure ensues, one should feel little need for Marv’n’s services. A Marv’n is needed only as the fallback for the evil consequences of poor judgment.

I have not seen Marvin in 70 years. Wherever he is, I hope he will accept my thanks for the service he has performed for me, and forgive me for making him my fall guy.